Family rifts over words and wealth complicate inheritance plans

A father who name-called his spouse during a fight reports that his 14-year-old daughter has not spoken to him in over a year. The incident occurred in front of the father's mother and the child. The daughter moved to Florida with her grandparents and has since ignored all attempts at contact. The father says he has not harmed his daughter and feels the loss is killing him. He asks how he can repair the relationship if he is not allowed to try.

R. Eric Thomas, who answers readers at rericthomas.com, calls the father's self-awareness a healthy sign. Thomas notes that the daughter is grappling with issues that are not easily healed. He advises the father to write a specific apology for the things he did wrong. If the father has already done this, Thomas says he must give the daughter more time. Thomas argues that space is often part of the fixing process. He says continuing to work on oneself makes a person a healthier parent when the child is ready to reconnect.

In a second letter, a mother describes a strained relationship with her oldest son. The son lived with his parents until age 32 despite efforts to become independent. He stopped speaking to them for a year before resuming contact during the pandemic when he needed a place to live. Since then, the parents have provided substantial financial support. In 2024, they hosted and paid for his wedding in Italy. They also gave him and his wife significant gifts.

In January 2026, the parents paid for a family trip to Chile. The son went on the trip but behaved badly. He stopped speaking to his parents soon afterward. The mother says the brothers are currently not speaking, largely because of the older son. She is now establishing wills and a trust. She is inclined to leave the estate to her younger son because of the repeated estrangements and the amount already provided to the older brother.

The mother asks if leaving everything to the younger son would make it impossible for the brothers to have a healthy relationship if they reconcile. She does not want the estate plan to burden the younger son with guilt or resentment. She wants to protect him from the consequences of a decision that is theirs. She asks how to balance feelings about the estranged older son with protecting the younger son.

Thomas says it is impossible to protect the younger son from his brother's resentment because that resentment might exist with or without the money. He states that both sons need to be responsible for their own behavior now and in the future. The younger son has been affected by his brother's behavior throughout his life, including the current estrangement. Thomas notes that the younger son might resent how much has been given to his older brother. He also notes that the younger son might resent having to split more of the estate if it is divided.

Thomas suggests thinking of the sons separately. The relationship with the older son is fractured. Thomas says the mother does not feel compelled to leave the older son anything when making her will. He notes that this decision has nothing to do with the younger brother. Thomas says the mother can explain the decision to the older son in advance or in a letter included in the will. However, he warns that this might invite more conflict into an already difficult relationship.

Thomas says the older son's resentment is his responsibility now and in the future. He notes that if the brothers reconcile, the younger son is free to do with the estate what he pleases. This includes splitting it with his brother. The advice column runs under the name Asking Eric. Readers can send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Thomas also has a weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.